I didn't really want to do this, but I know that I need closure. Clearly, we all four
survived. I am thankful for that. So thankful. But sometimes thankfulness isn't a balm that heals all wounds. I have been doing my best to avoid people because I haven't had many cheery things to say. And I hate feeling like I'm just being fake with people. When someone is talking about their babies or their job or their great vacation, I don't feel like following that up with, "I have been crying myself to sleep and imagine all the time awful scenarios that begin with 'what if'..." But you know, every day that hurt all gets a little better. My friend Katy reminded me that for better or for worse, the accident is now a part of our story. So, in light of that reminder, I'm posting this chapter. I don't want to ever forget this story, even though I say that I would. This isn't to scare you or make you sad for us or really anything to do with you. This one is for me.
As we were leaving Florida and driving through Mississippi, Andy and I had repeatedly said what a fabulous vacation we had just had. I loathe that it has this bookend. We had some trouble finding a decent place to stop for lunch along I-55 around Jackson. We finally settled on Soulshine Pizza Factory in this new and fancy town, Ridgeland. While we were waiting for our lunch, the kids and I took a little walk around a big pond near the restaurant. The food was delicious- a great place to stop. I agreed to take a shift driving so that Andy could nap while the kids watched a movie and took a nap themselves. We put in Tangled for the kids and took off. I don't remember how long we were on the highway. Not very long. After its previews, Tangled had barely started. Our tire blew up while I was driving in the left lane at probably 75 or 80 miles per hour. I felt like the car was out of control and I was trying to pull off into the middle median, as getting over to the right and that shoulder wasn't a possibility because of traffic. The tall, dry grass of the median was whipping around us. Everything from then on went into slow motion.
I don't really know why the car started rolling. It was a ditch-type median and our back left tire was the one that blew, so I suppose that combination proved to be unlucky for us. As we were rolling left that first roll, I remember looking at Andy and thinking, well this is it. That was the last time I looked at him during all of this, because I was straining and fighting against my locked seatbelt to keep my eyes fixed on my babies. I'm sure I had crazy eyes and I know I was hollering things like "It's okay! We're okay! I love you! It's okay!" Rush was wide-eyed and silent, and Winnie was screaming. I will never forget that look that she was giving me- sheer terror. I'm sure she was seeing the same thing in my eyes. I believe now that we rolled three times. In my slow motion vision, it was raining glass. So much glass. The sounds were crunchy and awful and hard to forget. With each upside down crash, I looked at both of my babies to make sure they were okay. That is three times expecting my worst nightmare to come true.
When the car finally slammed to a stop, we were thankfully right-side-up. And thankfully had not hit any other cars. Andy asked me if I was okay and was holding the top of his very bloody head. Winnie's face and arms were covered in blood. Two women in a small brown car pulled up next to my window and I blurted out to please call 9-1-1. Two big guys in Army fatigues (they were National Guardsmen) ran toward us and pried my door open so I could get out. One of them led me to the shoulder and sat me down. I yelled about 3 times to "GET MY BABIES OUT OF THAT CAR!" because for whatever reason, I was expecting it to blow up at any time. They put Andy about 10 feet from me and started working on his head. We are forever grateful for those men field-dressing his head...they very well could have saved his life because of all of his blood loss. Another man, a nurse, took Rush out of his seat and brought him over to where Andy was sitting and held him until the paramedics arrived. I don't know who took Winnie out, but she was next to me. The two women who called 9-1-1 stayed with me the entire time and washed Winnie's arms and face off with a water bottle. They sang her songs and prayed with us. A woman from a few cars back came to check on us and when they couldn't find my shoes, she returned a few seconds later with a pair of flip flops for me. I went back to the car to try to see if I could locate my cell phone, contacts case, and glasses, because there was glass all in my eyes and I needed to get my contacts out. I called my mom who was on a different highway home with my dad and Tracy. A fire truck came first, then two different ambulances, then several police cars. I didn't feel any pain and wasn't hearing properly...all muffled like on movies when trauma is happening. Our Explorer was flattened, no longer had any windows, and barely a tire on the back.
The paramedics checked each of us, the police officers questioned us, random people were walking down the highway to get a glimpse of us. (That was awkward). I asked one of the women to go into the car and try to find each of the kids blankies to make them feel better, and luckily she found them. I was telling anyone who would listen to try to find all of Andy's loose, work keys from his open console that were scattered around the car. I saw Rush's new dump truck about 20 feet away and about 3 reusable Whole Foods bags full of stuff we didn't fit into our luggage thrown everywhere. They put me on a backboard and then the nurse who had had Rush came over and put his hand on my forehead and prayed for our family. What a sweet, sweet man.
Winnie and I were in an ambulance, and Andy and Rush were in another. We were taken to a hospital in Madison. Our emergency room time at first was really foggy to me...so many people in and out and the doctors kept taking my glasses off, and I can see nothing without them. I am so thankful that they kept Winnie with me. I think me being strong and positive for her helped me to not have a massive panic attack because my throbbing head was taped down so hard and tilted back...such an uncomfortable claustrophobic time. Really quickly after we got there, my brother and sister-in-law came rushing in. I have never been so happy to see someone in my entire life. They had been in Jackson at Michele's dad's house and were able to get there so quickly...another thing I am grateful for. The kids were quickly released, so Michele took them back to her dad's house to clean them up and make sure they didn't have anymore glass on them. Matt stayed with me. In the meantime, Andy was getting his head shaved, stitches, and all of the not-so-fun stuff that comes with a head wound. Matt would go back and forth between our rooms giving each of us reports and bringing me water and blankets. Jenny and Ryan and the kids came soon (?) after. It was Jenny who broke the rules and captured that backboard beauty of a photo of me in the emergency room. Tracy and my parents had been the furthest away and the last to arrive. They released us- Andy walked out of the hospital barefoot and in a hospital gown and a pair of Ryan's basketball shorts. His head was wrapped under his chin with blue gauze. Such a sad and funny sight. We will never be able to repay my family for the care they gave us during all of this. There were times those first few days and weeks following that we were 100% reliant on them.
We headed to Canton to spend the night at a hotel. Dad, Ryan, and Matt went to retrieve all of our things from our wrecked Explorer. They returned with bags and bags of things mixed with fine and big chunks of glass. Many of our things had to be thrown away. Michele went to get Andy and I and the kids snacks. Mom had to give me a shower because I could barely move. Later that evening, all my siblings and the little kids headed for home. I remember feeling like everything had just been an awful nightmare. I called Missy and Aaron to tell them about it, needing to make it real and validate that crazy story. My parents got us two rooms because we (especially Andy) were not to be left alone to sleep. Andy and my dad shared a room and the kids and I and Mom stayed in the other. Winnie had really bad dreams through that first night. Rush seemed okay, partly because of his excitement over sleeping in a big boy cot.
The next morning, Andy started the long process of dealing with our health and car insurance companies, getting everything straightened out. He went with my parents so they could rent a car and settle up with the towers. I let the kids swim in the hotel pool so that they could have a little fun. We left Mississippi for a long ride home. Andy rode with Dad in his truck so that he could have a quiet ride home apart from the kids. Mom drove the kids and I in the rental car. We ate lunch at Applebee's in Canton and then had supper later in Cape Girardeau at Panera. I had a lot of anxiety being in the car, but tried to stay calm by reading magazines and playing games on my iPhone. We came home to a fridge full of groceries, a casserole, and flowers from Beau and Aaron. Mom and Dad stayed with us a couple days in St. Louis while we waded through doctors appointments, eye appointments, trips to Walgreens, unpacking and sorting through all the glass, replacing car seats, replacing random things, and getting settled. I cried and cried when they left, because I was so afraid to be alone. I'd gotten so used to leaning on them.
It's been about a month since that day. Winnie is slowly feeling better about being in the car, and now only brings up the accident about once a day...a huge improvement. Andy's head is healing nicely and hair is starting to sprout back. My concussion symptoms have nearly all gone away. We are all off prescription medication. I'm still sad and hurting and dealing with all those emotions, but I'm now not crying more than I am crying. Another huge improvement. We have a new car. I've talked to two older women who went through similar experiences 20+ years ago and still don't like driving and still tense up on the road if something happens that reminds them of their accident, so I'm not too confident that I'll be loving driving or the big highway any time soon. I picked the last piece of glass from Winnie's arm last week, but Andy and I are still finding it working its way out of our scalp. Andy should start a little collection, because I know he has more coming. God is good. God is gracious.
That's it. And again, for better or worse, it's just now a part of our story.
I just put all of our Halloween photos on the computer, but realize I'm a couple months behind on other things I need to post. I'm either going to spend all day working on this blog, or I am just going to move on and start with Halloween. We'll see how the kids do with napping today. Until then, I love this photo. Winifred's teacher took it in September for their class website, and I had her e-mail it to me. I love it!
I didn't really want to do this, but I know that I need closure. Clearly, we all four survived. I am thankful for that. So thankful. But sometimes thankfulness isn't a balm that heals all wounds. I have been doing my best to avoid people because I haven't had many cheery things to say. And I hate feeling like I'm just being fake with people. When someone is talking about their babies or their job or their great vacation, I don't feel like following that up with, "I have been crying myself to sleep and imagine all the time awful scenarios that begin with 'what if'..." But you know, every day that hurt all gets a little better. My friend Katy reminded me that for better or for worse, the accident is now a part of our story. So, in light of that reminder, I'm posting this chapter. I don't want to ever forget this story, even though I say that I would. This isn't to scare you or make you sad for us or really anything to do with you. This one is for me.